I've heard about a lot of different methods for "picking up" a person of the opposite sex. Buy them flowers. Play hard to get. Use awesome pickup lines. Tell her she doesn't look fat. These are just some of the methods that have been successful through the 1990s and 2000s (2000s? That doesn't sound right.). I only mention these decades because, well, they are the only ones in which I was really concerned about the opposite sex.

After a long study by a verified independent source (me) in a controlled laboratory environment (either my house or anywhere I've ever talked to a girl I like), I've come to a conclusion regarding these "pickup" methods. PLAYING HARD TO GET IS THE CRAPPIEST METHOD. EVER. Now I'm sure no one wants to hear about my personal life or the number of times I've been denied by a girl recently. If so, stop reading right now. Otherwise, don't give me crap about my complaining.

I'll begin by using a few specific examples of being either denied or driven away completely by this "hard to get" strategy (Note: the female names have been changed in order to protect their.er..protect me from further embarrassment).

• Case 1 : Bertha . Bertha, in my humble opinion, was hot. One of the best looking girls I've seen in my entire life, actually. With a name like Bertha, it's no wonder. I was interested in learning more about Bertha from the first second I laid eyes on her. The first time we ever hung out in an informal environment went great, too. I was excited. Now the problem with Bertha was that she loved to string me along. This is one of the number one things on my pet-peeve list. Bertha would say "yeah! Let's hang out, I'll come over tonight." Great, I'd think. Then she'd stop by to tell me that she was taking up running that very same evening and wouldn't be able to make it. Hard to get or nice way of saying no? The last straw was when I asked her to dinner and she actually seemed like she wanted to go. "I'll call you tomorrow and we'll plan it," she said. That was the last I ever heard of Bertha, and I'm not kidding.
  
• Case 2 : Arlene . Arlene is 25 and beautiful. Apparently she thinks this is too old for a 20 year old (almost 21!). I think she's playing hard to get, and that's stupid.
  
• Case 3 : Doris . I really felt like Doris could be an interesting catch. I'd see her almost every single day, and was (still am, actually) insanely attracted to her. I'm not even sure what it is about her, but deeeammmm. I thought I'd be smart and do my research on Doris . I found out she was single and looking. Right on. It took me about 6 weeks to get the guts to ask out Doris after that. Doris wasn't single. "Okay," I thought. I'll just be nice to Doris and at least I've made a new acquaintance. PSYCH! Doris has other plans. I've approached her maybe twice to talk with her, and each time she seemed hesistant. I've seen her about 100 times when we haven't talked, too. She'll look right at me and pretend she doesn't notice. I know you see me, Doris. You could at least say hello.

Now I know what you're thinking. "You're ugly." You're probably right. But when I put gel in my hair I'm dynamite (TNT), and girls are still playing hard to get. Or maybe you're thinking "it's the names, dude. Girls with weird names are always hard to get." I'll have to refute this point by mentioning that at least one of the girls I've mentioned have what appear to be sub-par boyfriends. Go figure.

I'd also like to mention that through thorough examinations of the experimental results, I've concluded that playing hard to get is only a terrible method if you're someone I'm attracted to. Otherwise, hard to get isn't all bad. Strangely, however, the girls that I'm not attracted to are never playing hard to get! What gives?

In closing, girls need to use a different pickup method on us boys. I'd like to recommend the cheesy pickup line method. It'd work on me, I'll tell you what.

Please, ladies. Email me and tell me what I'm doing wrong.