Why is it that old people (usually ages 50+) drive old person cars? You know the ones I'm talking about. I call them "Oldsmobiles." And that's what they are - old person cars - the big 4. Oldsmobile, Buick, Lincoln, and Cadillac. I don't understand why once you hit a certain age, you're like required to purchase one of these so-called "old-person cars." I for one am making a pact with myself here and now that when I hit 50, every car I buy will be sequentially sportier than the last. When I hit 50, I'll grab that S2000 (will be an S2041 by then), then maybe a Porsche Boxster, then a Ferrari, and perhaps then a McLaren or something similar.

Maybe some of the older folks who read this can drop me an email and tell me why they always tend to buy those cars. Obviously, there're exceptions. My grandparents drive a Focus, and some older people just drive total pieces like a Dodge Aries or something. These people are acceptable to me - but when you're old, why would you buy an Oldsmobile? I can't believe anyone would buy that kind of a car, actually. What goes through their minds?

"Now that I'm old, I want to move into a big, expensive, OLD person car." Is that it? I mean, I can understand wanting luxury, that "couch on wheels" for your aging body. But what about a Benz or a Lexus or a Jag? Those are much more stylish. Here are the classifications for the "big 4" of old person cars:

Oldsmobile: Like I mentioned above, with a name like that, who'd buy one? And I've NEVER seen a decent looking Olds. Never. Do they have a sportier model? Where is an Oldsmobile car lot?

Buick: I guess Buick is like part of Pontiac or something, I always seem to see their signs in the same place. Well Buick, folks, is just as lame as Oldsmobile, and far lamer than Pontiac.

Lincoln: A slight improvement over the last two. They really are couches on wheels. The president drives around in a Lincoln, as do other people of importance. So that's a plus. Also some of them look like cop-cars, so they have a definite scare-factor (like when I see one driving behind me at night). Which is another plus. But they're still ugly as…something really ugly. And they're still old-person cars.

Cadillac: The best of the bunch. At least they make some semi-decent looking cars. They're high-roller cars, too, so they definitely show a nice rich status. And they make a slightly sportier model, like the CTS and the Saturn-like Catera.

Another thing that bothers me is being behind these cars. It could be a teenager driving it and obviously I assume it's an old person. I get very upset when they drive slower than the speed limit, too. I've been guilty of tailgating occasionally out of anger (that's not safe, Luke!). There's nothing more frustrating than an old person car going 5-20mph LESS than the speed limit. You know what I'm talking about.